It seems my last post got some people curious and due to the questions I've got about it, I decided to explain what I meant (and, no, guys, I'm not mad at you for your "Demand Renata"! LOL :D )
So, well, the thing is sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop. I see situations in my life repeat themselves with slightly different details, and the impression I have is that from where I stand the future will follow the same path and the outcome will be same as the first time it all happened. And even if sometimes this may be a good thing because the situation is a good one, many times I find myself freaking out, thinking that though I have the power to change events, sometimes there are other forces, beyond my control, leading the way things go.
I'm going to give you a silly example: I used to dance ballet, I was part of a dance company which won national dance competitions, the group was awesome but ecause of our personal lives and the paths we decided to choose we broke up and the company kind of died for a while (fortunately it recently resumed its activities with a new cast). Ages later, I decided to start Tai Chi Chuan classes and the class I joined was amazing, very nice girls. The coincidences started when another girl joined the group, and she was.... one of the dancers of my former company! (She's a really nice girl, so i was delighted to have her there). Then, the class progressed fast and the teacher even invited us to make a "performance" for a Chinese master who was in town and joked we should start doing classes outdoors and all, to promote Tai Chi here, etc. Guess what started to happen then....? People started to have problems with timetables, some because of work, others for other reasons but the bottomline is the group is breaking up again.
I know it's a silly example (I warned you !) and I know it's perfectly normal, that things like that (people quitting stuff) happen all the time, but the "replay" of the situation is what strikes me as weird - and scary. This situation is just one, there are many more also happening in my life right now, and one of them is especially good, but in its "original version" (that is, the first time it happened), the outcome wasn't the one I wanted or expected, so here I am watching things follow the same script and hoping for a different ending without knowing if I can really get - even if I actually DO something - to change it.
Summarizing, it's not only the déjà vu feeling or not knowing what the future holds which is scary: it's knowing what may happen and not being sure that you'll be able to have any effect on it.
So, here I am, in the present, living it and loving it, but when I look at the future, the past seems to stare bakc at me like a reflection on a crystal ball, and the future I see in it, though not clear or definite, seems uncannily similar to what I've seen before.